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The Israel Antiquities Authority has announced a “GoFundMe” campaign in order to excavate all remaining biblical sites before the antiquity thieves do. If all funding targets are met, security officers will be hired to protect these sites for an additional three months.

All tourists desiring to visit the Western Wall will now be required to walk on the Mikveh Trail and be immersed in one of the ancient ritual baths.

Muslim authorities have recently opened the Huldah Gates so that visitors can view the ancient

Jewish architecture and engravings underneath the Al Aqsa Mosque on their way to visit the site of Solomon’s temple.

Schoolkids working on an excavation in Jerusalem have discovered a golden-hued metallic headpiece inscribed with the name “Jedidiah.” Tests are now being run to determine if there’s any connection with the ancient royalty of Judah.

Archaeologists in Israel will now begin selling artifacts from their excavations as soon as they have photographed and recorded them. Roadside stands will enable visitors to purchase figurines, mosaics, oil lamps, and more, right on the spot, thus providing immediate funding to the excavation team.

New book alert: Erich Kleen’s 480-page tome, Three Sticks Make a Staff: An Old Man’s Reminiscences on Excavating Nearly Every Site in the Middle East.

Following the signing of the Tourist Recruiting Initiative, Israel, Turkey, and Egypt will now be competing to offer the largest bonus checks to visitors arriving at their respective airports.

Amen Been-Thar has announced the discovery of the Hazor archive. He found it in Yigael Yadin’s storage room at the university. The exasperated scholar exclaimed, “It just never occurred to me to look there.”

With the recent Supreme Court ruling affirming the Catholic Church’s claim of ownership of the Sea of Galilee, construction work has begun on a chapel to be built on glass stilts in the middle of the lake.

With the release of the LaserScan SuperPro, archaeologists will be setting aside their Marshalltown trowels in favor of the new handheld gadget that produces a 3-D scan of an entire tell at a resolution of nearly 16 dots per inch. Instead of excavating layer by layer, the team will now be able to pinpoint exactly where the museum treasures are, thus preserving the site from massive environmental destruction.

The British Museum has agreed to return the Elgin Marbles. Within a few months they will be on display in a new museum in Turkey, sovereign power over Athens at the time they were shipped to London.

Following a public outcry, the Jordanian government will be reducing the entrance fee to Petra from $125 to $10, effective every year on the anniversary of T. E. Lawrence’s death.

The Jerusalem Biblical Zoo has announced an expansion of their petting zoo. Visitors will now be able to better understand the life of David by personal encounters with the exhibit’s Syrian bear and Asian lion. Asked about the dangers, the zookeeper explained that the animals are fed regularly and children under the age of 4 will not be allowed entrance unattended.

The Caesarea Maritima National Park has begun reconstruction of Herod’s harbor. The design will closely adhere to the original blueprints recently discovered in the cache of Med Sea Scrolls, and funding has already been met from the tariffs assessed of every visitor to this most popular park in the nation. When complete, tourists will be able to climb the Drusus lighthouse, board a replica of Paul’s prisoner ship, and watch a live actor re-enact the gruesome death of Herod Agrippa.

A new website called www.holylandselfies.com is soon to become operational. The director, Will E. Itslegal, expects to launch customized editions of the Selfie Bible Atlas in the near future.

Young tourists are raving about the new zipline that just opened at the top of Masada. While only college students and military personnel are permitted to ride the one beginning at Herod’s northern palace, others are enjoying the zipline above the siege ramp. The mid-way line will serve seniors on days when the cablecar is not running. Engineers are currently working on the final zipline which will plunge riders directly into the Dead Sea.

Scholars have now successfully translated the genuinely authentic Jordanian lead codices, confirming that the Gospel of Jesus’s Wife proves that the famous Galilean carpenter was buried in a tomb in Talpiot.

If this silly exercise has tested your patience, you can rejoice that not until 2023 will the next weekend roundup fall on April 1.

HT: R.A.S. Macalister, Montague Parker, Moses Shapiro

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Some days you just wake up full of regrets.  I think bloggers probably have more regrets.  Pushing the “publish” button is oh-so-easy, and once it is on the internet, your word stands forever

Such is the case with my analysis yesterday about the Early Christian lead books recently brought to light.  If you read that post, you will recall that I expressed skepticism about the circumstances around this discovery.  I questioned just how great it was.  But in fact, I was completely wrong.  It really does have the potential of being the greatest discovery of all time.

My change of heart began this morning when I received in the mail (registered) a small packet containing one of the codices.  The owner’s representative wrote that his feelings were hurt by my comments yesterday and he wanted me to see one of the artifacts for myself.  The letter was very warm and obviously written by a highly educated individual who desires only to see that the truth come out.

While I cannot attest to the authenticity of the 69 other books, this one is obviously very old.  It even has the smell of an old book, despite being made of metal.  The letters are very unusual, and that’s another indication of the document’s antiquity.  I remember the shape of the letters in my grandparents’ old King James Bible and these letters have to be older than those. 

Though I have little metallurgical training, it appeared to me that the codex was made of lead, and not copper, as some of them allegedly are.  I verified this by using the edge of the codex to write a few words on a piece of paper and the results were remarkably similar to writing with a pencil.  Just to make sure, I had my infant son lick the codex, knowing that real lead would cause his tongue to turn slightly green.  The fact that this codex is made with lead provides clear evidence that it is ancient, as nobody makes books out of lead any more.  I would post a photo of the codex here but the battery on my iPhone is dead and I don’t have another camera to use.

I have been fortunate to have several scholars stop by to offer their sage counsel.  Rev. Stevie Blamer of the Dispensational School of Archaeology observed dirt on the edges of the codex, clear evidence that it was hidden away for thousands of years.  Dr. Tim Sheriff of Salem University College School insisted that the writing in the codex may exactly match the biblical text, if only he could decipher the code.  Prof. Eli Johns of the Unreformed Theological Seminary countered that the code didn’t need deciphering but should be interpreted according to its literal sense.  Dr. Ricardo Tyler of St. Papa John’s College observed several grammatical errors on the first page and wondered from what school the author graduated.

I, of course, am doing all of this for the benefit of humankind, glad to give of my time and services so generously.  And you’ll benefit even more when you BUY MY NEW BOOK, which is due out next week.  You can look for it at Amazon under the title True Archaeologist Makes Greatest Discovery Ever! 

I think my soul’s physical embodiment is finally in tune with the earth’s inner vibrations.  There can be no other explanation for the gift of knowledge that I mysteriously possess.  I would certainly warn you to disregard any cynical voices that claim that the planet’s dynamic equilibrium is upset each year on April 1.

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Today is the 100th anniversary of Blogger Appreciation Day.  According to long-standing tradition, readers who have visited any given blog more than 13 times are obligated to send an appropriate gift to the blogger.  The Blogging Association of Rational Females has designated that the appropriate gift for members of their society are bouquets of pink and yellow flowers.  Male bloggers, however, need books.  You can show your support for this blog by purchasing for us one of these newly released titles today.

  • Every Bible Place in the Far Eastern Shephelah
  • A Dummy’s Guide to Cenomanian, Senonian, and Eocene Limestone
  • Men Are from Maresha, Women Are from the Valley of Elah
  • The True and Amazing Story of How I Found the Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark
  • A Liberal Bible Critic’s Guide to Making Money off of True Believers
  • The Updated Revised New Bible Atlas, 2nd edition
  • The Lost Qeiyafa Code
  • A Fundamentalist Archaeologist’s Guide to Making Money off of True Believers
  • Look At Me: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Hershel Shanks
  • Skeletons in Their Labs: Exposés of the World’s Most Famous Biblical Archaeologists
  • Towering Balks: The Stories of Nine Excavation Volunteers Who Gave Their Lives

Please make certain that you purchase these books from an authorized bookseller before the end of today, April 1.

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A rush shipment of a series of fantastic new products has just arrived at the BiblePlaces.com International Distribution Center.  All of these items are available for immediate shipment.

Bag of Rocks: Authentic specimens from a hill in Israel.  You can plant these in your garden, and before you know it, your garden will be full of them.

Basket of Authentic Potsherds: Unwashed, unsorted. May include EB through Ottoman period artifacts. Your basket might contain an ostracon!

Biblical Archaeologist Swimsuit Calendar: Featuring 12 of the world’s most renowned excavators on exotic tells that they dig.

Packet of Mud: Wet soil possibly washed off by the blind man at the Pool of Siloam.

Ossuary: Inscriptions of famous biblical people added for an extra charge.

Private Lecture: A dramatic presentation for you and your friends by Charles Gadda on the true origin of the Dead Sea Scrolls and expert techniques on how to convince the world that you’re right.

“I Deny” T-Shirts: You fill-in-the-blank.  Popular options include: the existence of the Jews in the Holy Land before 1948, David and Solomon, maximalism, minimalism, antiquities sales, the James Ossuary, Bible thumpers, Q, Ai, the “BAR crowd”, biblioblogs.

Archaeologist Trading Cards: Watch the value of these go up when one of their discoveries is sensationalized.kenyon_trading_card

Tour Pass: Good for a one-day tour of the archaeological sites of the Gaza Strip, personally hosted by Khaled Mashaal and his friends.


The Truth About Archaeology DVD: Dozens of volunteers explain the realities of excavation, including stories of grime, sunstroke, hospitalization, and slavery-like conditions that they paid for.

Fibers from the rope around the high priest’s ankle

Ashes from the destroyed city of Sodom.  Well-preserved.  From the Sodom of your choice.

Television Special, 60 Minutes (DVD): Breaking report that reveals how a Jewish temple never existed in Jerusalem.  Features extensive research and interviews with two three smart locals.

Postcards of Jerusalem: Only one dollah.  The top one looks nice.

Payment may be made in darics, denarii, drachmas, or dileptons.  All orders must be received not
later than 11:59 p.m., April 1st.

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Officials today announced that the Sea of Galilee, famous in the New Testament as the location of Jesus’ ministry, has been discovered!  Reaction to the announcement was decidedly vocal in all quarters.  Evangelicals claimed that all of the Bible was hereby proven to be true.  One biblioblogger denounced the archaeologists as right-wing fundamentalists, asserting that no such body of water ever existed but the Bible is completely true nonetheless.  A Palestinian spokesman said that this is all just a plot to steal their land.  One Christian Zionist organization already had an appeal letter for funds in the mail.  60 Minutes had undercover reporters on the scene in hopes of finding an Egyptian scientist to explain how it must be a fraud.  A bulletin posted on Ron Wyatt’s website confirmed that they had already located Jesus’ footprints in the water.  The first chapter was released of a book by Robert Cornuke in which he claims that he found the footprints, just before being arrested.  Seasoned archaeologists noted wryly that great finds are always made on the last day of the season, whereas discoveries like this one are always made on April 1.

Sea of Galilee sunset from Hippos panorama, tb032807888
Sunset over Sea of Galilee from Hippos/Susita
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